Self-Determination Based Therapy

Dr. Anderson identified a problem at the center of the relationship therapy field: the major therapy traditions each emphasize components of relational flourishing, but none of them address the whole picture. This makes it more likely for individuals and relationships to end up back in therapy because the therapy provided was helpful and growth-promoting, but incomplete.

Here are some of those limitations:

• The Closeness Trap (Emotionally Focused Therapy): While attachment-based models are excellent at centering emotional safety and connection, they can overemphasize closeness as a “cure-all.” Emotional closeness and safety are vital, but approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) may lead partners to prioritize security at the expense of Autonomy—where one's entire self endorses the relationship. Our approach, SDBT, recognizes that relational flourishing requires the integration of connection and individuality, and that this integration requires an explicit focus on one's motivations and the why behind relational patterns. Many implementations of EFT do not emphasize this individual work, which is one of the reasons why EFT is often considered incompatible with non-traditional relationship structures. Sidelining individual work can also lead to couples ending up back in therapy when their individual growth and development evolves beyond the “holding environment” EFT seeks to create.
• The Skill Trap (Gottman Method): Competence or skills-focused models like the Gottman Method focus on teaching you better skills, habits, and frameworks for conflict. This is great for couples that have lower levels of distress, especially when the relationship is otherwise fairly stable. However, higher-conflict partnerships may find the emphasis on skills to be frustratingly surface-level, as it doesn’t address the underlying dynamics that drive the conflict in the first place. Therapy approaches that only focus on behaviors can lead to short-term improvements but are unlikely to lead to lasting change because partners are operating from Controlled Motivation, which is difficult to sustain given that it is externally driven.
• The Individualistic Trap (Differentiation Theory): Differentiation (rooted in Bowenian thinking) emphasizes the importance of a solid individual self within a relationship. However, the ideas from differentiation-based approaches are notoriously difficult to explain and implement in therapy. These approaches can at times focus so much on individuality that the vital need for connection and mutual support is neglected. This approach is commonly used with non-traditional relationship structures or in sex therapy.

SDBT doesn't discard these traditions — it draws on the best of each. EFT interventions are powerful tools for building emotional safety and connection. Gottman-informed skills help partners build concrete competence. Differentiation work strengthens individual identity within the relationship. What SDBT provides is a unifying framework — rooted in Self-Determination Theory — that tells us when to use each tool and why, based on which psychological needs are going unmet for each partner.

So, what exactly are these psychological needs? SDBT is based on Self-Determination Theory, which states that three interdependent psychological needs must be met for any relationship or life to genuinely flourish. You can’t build lasting intimacy without bringing your authentic self into the relationship, and you can’t maintain a solid sense of who you are without supportive relationships. You must also have the competence and self-trust to navigate those dynamics.

These needs are

• Autonomy (The Volitional Self) — The need to feel like the genuine author of your choices. This is not the same as being “independent.” You can be deeply connected to your partner or community and still be fully autonomous, as long as those relationships are genuinely chosen rather than coerced or defaulted into.
• Competence (The Efficacious Self) — The need to feel effective in your relationship and life. This is a quiet, earned confidence that you can navigate challenges and actually make a difference with the people and community you love.
• Relatedness (The Connected Self) — The need to feel genuinely known and valued. Notably, this is bidirectional: nourishing a partner’s needs is just as important as receiving support for your own. Relatedness is very similar to attachment. In SDBT, the need for relatedness extends beyond focusing on a particular partner to encompass the relational environment at work, in your religious group, and within your community.

So, what does the implementation of SDBT look like? In practice, therapy sessions tend to be structured similarly to other approaches, but with an emphasis on these key assessment areas:

• Motivational Assessment: We start by looking at the Motivation Continuum. A relationship held together by guilt, fear, or obligation (Controlled Motivation) looks and feels different from one rooted in genuine choice and shared values (Autonomous Motivation). SDBT provides the tools to evaluate your motivational profile and build a life that supports more autonomous motivation.
• Environmental Assessment: SDBT understands that different environments can either support or thwart the fulfillment of your psychological needs. For example, a work environment full of micromanagement or constant criticism can undermine your sense of competence and autonomy. Similarly, a relationship where love is contingent on meeting certain conditions can undermine your sense of relatedness and autonomy. Through the lens of Self-Determination Theory, SDBT puts language to your experiences that can help you better navigate and change these dynamics.
• Emotional Assessment: We view emotions as important messengers. People tend to approach their emotions by either overly suppressing them or being overwhelmed by them. Instead, SDBT helps you integrate your emotions with your daily living, using suppressive or expressive strategies as temporary tools rather than defaults. For example, emotional expression may be important during important conversations with a romantic partner, while emotional suppression might be helpful during a high-stakes work presentation. Problems tend to emerge when we are too reactively overexpressive or suppressive and do not sit with our emotions long enough to understand what they are telling us.
• Behavioral Reactivity Assessment: Similar to the emotional assessment, the behavioral reactivity assessment looks at your relationship to your emotions, but in partnered contexts. Behavioral reactivity refers to how you respond to your partner's emotions and behaviors, and how these responses impact the relationship. For example, some people tend to anxiously pursue their partner when they feel relational discomfort. Others may withdraw or become defensive, feeling critisized and overwhelmed. SDBT helps you understand and learn to manage these responses.
• Values Assessment: You are the expert on what matters most to you. SDBT helps you clarify your values and evaluate how well your life and relationships align with them. In fact, a large part of why SDBT was originally created was to fit a wider array of value systems organically and from the ground up; rather than forcing you to fit into the faulty assumptions of other therapy models (e.g., assuming you are monogamous, heterosexual, do not have depression, do not have significant trauma, etc.), SDBT allows us to evaluate your unique values and motivations and help you build a life and relationships that are truly your own.

Based on the information SDBT provides from these assessments, your therapist may draw upon various therapeutic approaches to address your unique needs. That's the power of SDBT — it gives us the flexibility to integrate the best interventions from many therapies without being constrained by the limitations of any single approach. For example, your relational therapist may use EFT techniques to build emotional safety, Gottman tools to develop relational skills, and differentiation work to strengthen individual identity.

SDBT strives to support a higher standard beyond simplistic symptom reduction or conflict management. Drawing from decades of Self-Determination Theory research, the goal is supporting your individual and relational development to feel more connected to yourselves, one another, and to your community.

In practice, that means we're working toward:

• Integrated Motivation: Relationships and life choices that are genuinely self-endorsed, rather than driven by guilt, fear, or obligation
• Psychological Need Support: Consistent, sustainable support for Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness across your relationships, work, and community environments
• Durable, Inside-Out Change: Not behavioral compliance that fades when circumstances shift, but growth rooted in values clarification and authentic self-understanding
• Relational Flourishing: Where partners feel known, effective, and want to bring their full selves into their relationships

Research consistently shows that when basic psychological needs are met, people are more resilient, more compassionate toward others, and more capable of sustaining meaningful relationships over time. That's what guides our work. The question we hold at the center of every session isn't simply how can we reduce distress? — it's what would it look like for you to genuinely thrive?